I have come to accept my childhood was unlike most.
My suspicions began as a child, but I didn’t realize the degree of neglect and extreme violence I endured was so much greater than my peers. In the 1960’s and 1970’s, people didn’t discuss private matters much back then. Everything was so hush-hush. Not until I wrote Whispers, Sinners, and Saints and was told, “It is not an easy read” by lily bred middle to upper class women that I became certain I had a very different upbringing.
I guess being a first generation American has something to do with what makes me different, having an Asperger mother with an explosive disorder adds to the equation, and having no family due to the Holocaust doesn’t help either. Is this a proper time to mention I never met another person who divulged he/she didn’t know his/her father? Either all of that adds to who I am, or my brain works differently than most. I have an inoperable brain tumor. I ought to give my brain tumor a name since I’ve had the tendency to name my cars and residences. If I would, it would be called a “Blessing” and not anything less. What? How can that be a blessing, you ask? I’m not delusional, I know it brought challenges but the awareness of it has enhanced my life.
I finally had a good answer to why studying took me so long compared to others. At twenty-eight, the doctors reported this finding to me after I woke up from a coma after giving birth to my first born. I had blackouts as a child. The room would spin violently, and I would find myself slumped over my homework after hours lapsed. I had a non-stop wrecking ball playing loud havoc in my head as far back as I could remember. So, where’s the benefit? At twenty-eight, I understood the true meaning of “the gift of life!” I realized then, I needed to do better for myself and began my health fitness regimen. I traded in my sugar and carb lifestyle for one with vegetables, vitamins, and plenty of exercise. Like an atheist taking on a religion, I converted from being a chocaholic to a salad eater. That’s right, I white knuckled the ride like an alcoholic drinking only water.
I don’t play the victim role. I denounce it in all its forms. I rather think of myself as a crusader. Diagnosed at a young age has now turned me into a veteran who conquests life’s opportunities that many my age of sixty-five are just entering for the first time. Life is what we make of it and one thing I am doing is making the most of my time.
As I like to say, “true happiness is freedom from one’s own negative thoughts.”
With that, let the light above shine through your smile to brightly illuminate your journey.
